Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Utter Stupidity


I'm sure at this very moment most Malaysians are familiar with this cheap ass shocking news; the leak of a somewhat immoral video of two minors, presumed to be Malay and related by blood, engaging in sexual intercourse. Or in other words, two biologically associated premature homosapiens with Malay ethnicity executing coitus, bypassing the possibility of limp dick and premature ejaculation. 

I find this news extremely revolting, though not by the nature of this video. Believe it or not, there are thousand other kids fucking the hell out of each other in Vietnam or Russia and they're not entirely fucked just by kids either but by creepy bastards. What's revolting is the nature of this news. Let's take a look at the news report again;

BUTTERWORTH: Penyebaran rakaman aksi seks sepasang kanak-kanak yang didakwa adik-beradik melalui telefon bimbit menggemparkan penduduk sekitar bandar ini serta mencetuskan kebimbangan mengenai semakin parah keruntuhan moral masyarakat negara ini.

Ini kerana usia pasangan terbabit masih terlalu muda. Budak lelaki terbabit dipercayai berusia antara 11 dan 12 tahun manakala pasangan perempuan antara 13 dan 14 tahun. 
Aksi berahi mereka dirakam dari pelbagai sudut dipercayai dalam bilik hotel atau motel oleh pihak ketiga berdasarkan katil dan keadaan sekitar. 

Kakitangan swasta dikenali sebagai Azman, 25, yang memperoleh video itu melalui bluetooth daripada rakannya, berkata dia terkejut sebaik melihat aksi pasangan terbabit kerana mereka terlalu muda dan dipercayai masih bersekolah.

“Budak lelaki itu seperti murid tahun lima atau enam manakala remaja perempuan mungkin dalam tingkatan satu atau dua. Kemungkinan mereka adik-beradik kerana fizikal remaja lelaki lebih kecil berbanding pasangannya.

“Saya menggeleng kepala sebaik melihat aksi mereka yang tidak ubah seperti orang dewasa. Bayangkan apa akan jadi kepada mereka pada masa depan dan bagaimana penerimaan ibu bapa mereka jika mengetahui perkara ini,” katanya, semalam.

Menurutnya, tindakan pasangan kanak-kanak itu menggambarkan keadaan moral masyarakat yang semakin merosot dan keadaan ini yang menyumbang peningkatan kes pembuangan bayi hasil hubungan luar nikah. 

“Jika murid sekolah rendah sudah pandai beraksi lucah dan dirakam pihak lain, bagaimana orang dewasa. 

“Apa akan jadi kepada moral masyarakat beberapa tahun akan datang jika gejala penyebaran aksi seks melalui telefon bimbit semakin berleluasa,” katanya. 

Justeru, dia berharap pihak berkuasa segera melakukan sesuatu sebelum gejala penyebaran aksi seks melalui telefon bimbit menjadi ‘wabak’ yang sukar dikawal.


Here's the original link to this news: Hot Superficial Action

Now let me quote a few uncanny lines from this report.

"Kakitangan swasta dikenali sebagai Azman, 25, yang memperoleh video itu melalui bluetooth daripada rakannya"

So, Mr. Azman, would you like to tell me, as a God fearing, law abiding Malay citizen, why would you joyfully request child porn from a friend? I assume you're a good Samaritan since you thought there was the need to report it on the news... Or else the whole news was just fabricated if Mr. Azman didn't exist. Oh, one more thing Mr. Azman, you're already 25, what you really need is getting laid instead of watching porn!

Or did I miss something, like 3gp (low quality LOL) porn file sharing is some kind of NATIONAL SPORT in Malaysia.

"Kemungkinan mereka adik-beradik kerana fizikal remaja lelaki lebih kecil berbanding pasangannya."

Err... I think we may have a slight misunderstanding here, or I might be a retard. What's with physical size and the possibility that they are siblings? I thought it has to do with facial features, skin color, or something like that? No? Gosh, I must be crazy thinking siblings must have similar facial features (unless either spouse commits adultery). All those women taller than me out there are actually my blood sisters. Damn, I'm not really tall either.

Or Mr. Azman, is there a possibility that actually that was your personal sexual fantasy? Child porn plus incestual love making = WINCEST. Or was that something that was just made up to increase sale huh, you bitch! This is ridiculous. It's not even logical.

"Justeru, dia berharap pihak berkuasa segera melakukan sesuatu sebelum gejala penyebaran aksi seks melalui telefon bimbit menjadi ‘wabak’ yang sukar dikawal."

If you haven't notice, the whole article was voiced by Mr. Azman, so the above sentence is presumably his original statement, the very same person who acquired the video from his friend in the first place. I doubt the original reason was for justice, I bet it's more for recreational 'masturbational' purpose you lying prick!

Plus, wabak yang sukar dikawal? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's not just an epidemic, sharing porn in real life is already a CANCER in our society (and not just 3gp anymore, we have HD porn now). Stop feeding lies to uninformed, gullible folks that we are that innocent. We are not Britney Spears.

By the way, these folks at Carigold mentioned that they have watched the original video and the supposed 'siblings' are not actually siblings and they're from Thailand. However, there's no sure way to pass this rumor as valid either. Most of these Carigold members are perverts too and they were also looking for the same video which is probably non-existent.

Why Capitalization is Important


Now you know why capitalization is really important! Just one or two letters could change the whole meaning of the sentence above!

Source: Neuroneko's tumblr Check this out!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Consumerism

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.
-Chuck Palahniuk

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Azwan Ismail Gay Malay Coming Out of Malay Closet


I'm calling that 'coming out of Malay closet' because homosexuality is an ultra-sensitive issue in Malaysia, especially among the Malays. Being gay as a Malay guy is often seen as a crime in most Malay societies. Don't get it wrong, by the way. When I was in a university in Selangor, there were bazillion of gay Malay guys and in a friend's house I used to hang around, many of her neighbor friends are gay and some of em took hormones and have TITS, holyfuck!

Oh by the way, Azwan Ali, no, you're gay and it's not okay.

Or that's one of my ways of saying it. I have different views regarding this matter, as I have different roles as a Muslim, as a citizen, as a socialist, and some other bullshit.

Let's move on why it's not okay for me. It's nothing to do with my heterosexual sexual preference of course. The fact that you are a gay posed no threat to me as long as you're not shoving your dick to anyone's ass, especially my ass. I reserved its view just for my wife and just a few girls have seen it up until now (and few friends by accident and as toilet humors). In a liberal view, being gay in a society indeed will not impose any threat or harm to other people, unless they are rapist or murderer with homoerotic preference. That will be so fucking scary. Since you are not a murderer, rapist, child molester, and don't steal my motorbike, then your existence is fine with me. You being gay is totally fine with me.

But, as a Muslim, no matter what's your excuse, I have to say, it's not okay for me, in the sense that I will not accept your view that each gay must step forward and announce that they are gay (some gays don't even have to announce their homosexuality, they are FLAMING HOMO). I understand the concept of homosexuality and sexual orientation very well, though I have mixed views about it. I know it's difficult for gay people because large proportion of people on earth are heterosexual. The larger proportion of the heteros bound to have some uneducated bunch to go hostile against the homos because of their difference views on what is FUCKABLE, shitty asshole or wet vagina?

Okay, actually it's not just about sex. Sexual orientation is difficult because it's almost hard-wired. Let's say, I am a heterosexual guy who loves mammary glands with delicate shape. One day, all of a sudden a CIA agent kidnaps me and asks me to have buttsex with a hairy guy and asks me to fall in love and marry the guy after that. How the fuck would that feel? Our sexual preference is not something that we can alter with our own will. I can never love a man after knowing the beauty of woman tits. It's just unfortunate that some of us were born with the natural instinct to love their own kind.

I did mention that I have mixed views about the issue of homosexuality, right? Yeah, it's fucking mixed. In a different view, I used to have this theory that homosexuality is actually more like a fetish, not a sexual orientation. Just like obsession to girls in school uniform, obsession to staged rape, pedophilia, girls with 'tudung' having sexual intercourse and thousand other fetishes. In fact, before 1973, homosexuality was in fact considered as paraphilia; sexual arousal to objects, situations, or individuals that are not part of normative stimulation and that may cause distress or serious problems for the paraphiliac or persons associated with him or her. In actuality, homosexuality's acceptance even in the Western world wasn't that old. It's still new. So, there's a probability that homosexuality is not something that is wired to our brain or body or dick... biologically and physiologically. What creates homosexuals were the environment, the society, the media and most importantly the respective homosexual individual themselves, on how they deal with social life, problems etc. Well, that's just a theory though.

In my head there are many ideas and conflicting sides now. There is this religious side which is definitely against condoning homosexuality. Then there were liberals and socialist sides exchanging bullshits, conservative side bantering in the middle and communist side yawning at the stupidity of all the other sides.

I could just decide that I don't favor capitalism and the separation of religion and state. But FUCK IT, the government is too much of a bullshit for a so called Muslim country. If they really care about Islam as the official religion and Malaysia as a Muslim country, WHAT THE FUCK with prostitutions, corruptions, bribes, casinos, abortions, dead babies? Oh gay bars too LOL. What the fucking fuck? Those I stated just now have existed for some fucking moment already. If they really wanted to stop em they could have done it, no? Do they give a damn about it?

In conclusion, QUIT THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. We've been living in sin already. We were already liberal and secular for quite some time already without a large portion of the society noticing it. Not to mention, capitalist too. This Azwan Ismail is just one of the gay bunch and he happened to be the perfect victim for religious wannabes and homophobic Malays.

I don't give a fuck. At least for now.

p/s: I kinda snapped in the middle of writing this.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Immortality of Turritopsis nutricula

Finally, I've found the true secret of immortality. Bollocks to Twilight, Vampire Diaries and other vampire crap! True Blood is pretty awesome though (because of the generous exposure of mammary glands). Anyway, hey, did you notice the address of this blog is virusofimmortality? I know, it's a bit too long and it reeks of teen angst, but currently I feel like not giving fuck about changing my address anytime soon.

Turritopsis nutricula is a species of IMMORTAL jelly fish. In addition to that, it is probably the fucking one and only immortal creature in the whole fucking world! (refer to previous post for 'fuck' usage)

Hey I'm gonna live forever and laugh at your short lifespan. :D
Turritopsis nutricula is immortal in the way that it can revert to its polyp stage after becoming sexually mature. Thus effectively bypassing death because they don't get old! (Provided they don't get themselves squished by anything in the ocean)

To explain this in analogy of human beings, it may refer to a whore who can revert from menopause and have massive sex with strangers and basement dwellers and virgins again! Okay, not really. It simply means, if we have the ability similar to this jellyfish, we can reverse our life cycle; being young again effortlessly!

This special case of immortality is possible to jellyfish because they have this cell development process called transdifferentiation, which is not available among us, pathetic humans. In short, transdifferentiation occurs when jellyfish alters the differentiated state its cells and transforms it into new cells.

If this is possible in human beings which is absolutely impossible, it will end the endless search for the long rumored Fountain of Youth! There will be no more case of people getting caught for statutory rape! Age of consent will be just another bullshit. There will be no more cases of adults engaging sex with minors BECAUSE EVERYONE IS MINORS. Oh shite.

Holyshit, that's messed up, don't you think?



Source:
The Times
ZMEScience
Wiki

Friday, December 17, 2010

Russian Dancing Men!

Who says Russia is all about its cold weather, Stalin regime, oppression, and child pornography? Watch the video below, Russians sure know how to dance and sing a catchy song!



Stereotype jokes aside, actually I love Russian girls and I think their accent is so fucking sexy. No offense, Russians. Your language rocks!

Fuck Properly

No, this entry isn't about sex. It's about fuck. Or the English word 'fuck'. 'Fuck' is a great word. You must be an idiot if you think 'fuck' can only be used as curse word, to express, or to deliver the meanings similar to coitus.

'Fuck' is versatile. First, if you really want to know what the fuck is this about, please do fucking watch this video by clicking the fucking picture below.


I hope you're clear about the most versatile English word 'fuck' now. You're welcome.


The explanation about fuck in that video was done by Monty Python, a classic British comedy group. Here's the text version in case you didn't click the link. LOL

*****

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the english language today, is the word fuck. Out of all of the English words that begin with the letter F, fuck is the only word that is referred to as the F word. It’s the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, is derived from German, the word frichen, which means to strike. 
In English, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. 
As a transitive verb for instance: John fucked Shirley. 
As an intransitive verb: Shirley fucks. 
Its meaning’s not always sexual, it can be used as an adjective such as: John’s doing all the fucking work. 
As part of an adverb: Shirley talks too fucking much. 
As an adverb enhancing an adjective: Shirley is fucking beautiful. 
As a noun: I don’t give a fuck. 
As part of a word, abso-fuckin-lutely, or in-fuckin-credible. 
And as almost every word in a sentence: Fuck the fucking fuckers. 
As you must realize, there aren’t too many words with the versatility of fuck, as in these examples describing situation such as:
Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot. 
Dismay: Ah, fuck it. 
Trouble: I guess I’m really fucked now. 
Aggression: Don’t fuck with me buddy! 
Difficulty: I don’t understand this fucking question 
Inquiry: Who the fuck was that? 
Dissatisfaction: I don’t like what the fuck is going on here 
Incompetence: He’s a fuckoff 
Dismissal: Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself? 

I’m sure you can think of many more examples. With all these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use the word. We say use this unique flexible word more often in your daily speech, It will identify the quality of your character immediately. Say it loudly and proudly! FUCK YOU!
*****

Trivia: 'fuck' in Swahili is 'kutomba'. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Cats and Paracetamol

Pada suatu hari, kucing saya jatuh sakit, mungkin demam. Bila kucing hampir dengan ajal mereka, mereka suka baring di tempat sejuk seperti tepi longkang. Mereka akan hilang sama sekali keinginan untuk bermain riang bersama anda. Kerna aku sayang kepada kucing itu, aku telah memberikannya makan Panadol yang ditumbuk halus. Beberapa hari kemudian malangnya, kucing itu mati juga dalam keadaan yang agak tragik. Mulutnya mengalir darah dan badannya kejang dan kaku. Malam itu juga, kira-kira jam 11.30 malam, aku menguburkan kucing itu ditengah hujan, hampir tengah malam. Kucing itu bernama Kojira. Masa itu aku ingat kematian dia disebabkan sakit semata-mata.

And tonight, I've just learned that paracetamol or acetaminophen is lethal to cats!

When we consume paracetamol, it it used to relief pain, headaches and muscle aches. But for cats, it is EXTREMELY TOXIC. This is due to the fact that cats lack the glucuronyl tranferase enzymes to safely break paracetamol down. Thus, even a small portion of paracetamol is enough to kill a cat. It's that fatal.

So if you have cats, please DON'T EVER feed them paracetamol. It will kill them or at least make them die faster.

I'm so sorry, cat. It wasn't my intention.



Source: The Canadian Veterinary Journal

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Concise List of Rempit, Meleis and Similar Stereotypes.

I was searching for a hot Ah Lian on Google just now and it brought me to the concise definition of of Ah Lian and Ah Beng from Wikipedia. Yes, that's right, Ah Lian managed to occupy an entry in Wikipedia, folks!

This Google search brought me to other terminologies in other cultures which brought similar meaning to Ah Lian and Ah Beng. Some of them are familiar such as white trash, rednecks, NEET etc. We've seen them in movies, TV series and we've read them in books and newspapers. Truth is, this social group could have actually exist in most societies! So let's not be ashamed of our own Mat Rempit, Meleis, Pungit, Ah Lian and Ah Beng.

By the way, pungit is a terminology I learned from my principal during secondary school. It's also a word oftenly used by my brother, it is used to address a certain degree of stupidity of a person associated with the term.

An example, "Hei pungit susah sangatkah tukar tayar kereta?"


Pungit is probably a Sabahan word.

Below is a concise list of some of the similar stereotypes.

Ah Lian
Origin: Certain group of Chinese girls in Singapore and Malaysia. Prevalent in neighborhood schools with lower educational standards. Bimbos.

Appearance: Outdated Japanese fashion, hair dyed in bright colours, straightened and usually with thick fringes. They usually wear hotpants and miniskirts.

Unusual Features: Talking loudly in public. Use sharp tone in their speech which they considered cute. Making their eyes big with force or contact lens. Speak hybrid mix of  Singlish or Manglish, creating English phrases with Chinese grammar. Curse a lot in daily speech.

Review: Well, some Ah Lians are totally hot you'll definitely wanna HIT THAT. But when they're not hot you'll definitely wanna HIT THAT WITH A BAT.

A kinda hot Ah Lian


Ah Beng
Origin: Certain group of young Chinese men found in Malaysia and Singapore, rude and often indulge in criminal activity.

Appearance: Unusual fashion styles and tastes. Flamboyant shirts, usually dragons and tight jeans and a comb in their pocket is compulsory. Sometimes leather jackets and pants too.

Unusual Features: Disagree and brawl with random people in the streets. Extreme car modification. Smokes and do dangerous drugs, usually ecstasy.

Review: Usually labeled as gangster wannabes who speak bad English. In Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, they usually occupy cyber cafes. By the way, the TV show Phua Chu Kang is a parody of these Ah Bengs.
A possible Ah Beng. Maybe no.

NEET

Origin: First used in UK but now used in many other countries. It means Not in Education, Employment or Training.

Appearance: Zombie-like features such as dead eyes, limp slowly, smells bad, constant 'Brains' moans, etc. 

Unusual Features: Unemployed, unmarried, not enrolled in school or engaged in housework and not seeking work or the technical training needed for work.

Review: This usually happen to graduates who took local, unacknowledged universities, or those who took a stupid course. Also those who abandoned education and focus on other stuff such as blogging, instead of studying.
His face tells the story


Twixter

Origin: Americans, who are trapped betwixt (between) adolescence and adulthood. How is this possible? It's completely mysterious!

Appearance: Random. Might be naked and stalking you at the moment.

Unusual Features: Living with parents at the age of 28, or any other age which a person is considered to be independent to live a life. Failure to achieve financial independence. In Malay, "Menghabiskan beras.".

Review: Familiar in Malaysian culture. Still you remember Mat Rock Kampung depicted in Gila-Gila once ago? It rang a bell.
Twixters, featured in TIME magazine.


Parasite Single

Origin: Japan. A single person who lives with their parents till their late twenties or early thirties in order to enjoy a CAREFREE and ENJOYABLE life. Somewhat similar to hikikomori, but a little different. In English, they're called Sponge or Basement Dwellers.

Appearance: Probably similar to barbarian. Imagine a nerdy barbarian.

Unusual Features: Single, poor, not paying house rent, getting free meals everyday.

Review: The factor that caused the existence of parasite single is not primarily economic, mind you! It began in 1976. Read through the whole article.
"Please marry our son," says Yamaha and Akosuka.


Ars

Origin: Also called Arsim, their origin is Israel. Yes, you heard that right! Jews had lazy and low class people too, aside from geniuses and evil masterminds.

Appearance: Wear tight clothing in unsuitably bright colors with excessive gold jewelery. Gay much?

Unusual Features: Disrespectful to women and behaves rudely in public. Misogynist Israeli huh?

Review: I've never seen Ars for all my life. So no comment. I rarely heard or read about em.

Not Ars, but his name is actually Arsim. LOL?


Origin: United States. Refers to the poor white people in US, suggesting lower social class and degraded living standards. 

Appearance: Hooligans. Uncivilized behavior, irrespective to authority etc. Similar to Mat Rempit.

Unusual Features: Calling black people niggers, while black people taunted them back by calling them white trash. Funny?

Review: They are funny. I think you can see them in the TV show Accidentally On Purpose.

White Trash perhaps?


Redneck

Origin: United States too. Refers to the poor White Southern farmers. Similar to white trash but it gives me greater depiction of stupid and rude people. I'm not gonna tell you about its history.

Appearance: Maybe stark naked. Wear wool hats. Hahahahahaha

Unusual Features: Get offended for the slightest criticism. Paranoia. Usually hate Muslims and think all of us are terrorists. Idiotic.

Review: These were the people who held that 'Burn a Koran Day'. Unspeakable idiocy. 



Essex Girl
Origin: United Kingdom, it is used to imply the promiscuous and unintelligent woman from Essex. 

Appearance: Wear stiletto heels, pale-colored blonde hair. ORANGE IN COLOUR, due to the excessive use of fake tan. 

Unusual Features: Verbal vulgarity. Tarty. Sometimes they are hot. Sometimes they have many chins.

Review: Just another variant of dumb blonde in US and the KLCC girl in Malaysia. 

Playboy Essex girl.


Mat Rempit

Origin: The Bolehland, Malaysia. They are the daredevils of the road. Usually Malays, they enjoy pulling off stunts while occasionally getting killed. Free live gore show, people!

Appearance: Dress code changes according to states and teams. Mat Rempit's popular attire is Adidas jacket bought from Uptown (maybe original though), the one worn by Farid Kamil in his sucky movie Rempit V3 or Samseng Jalanan V3. These movies actually inspired Mat Rempits all over Malaysia.

Unusual Features: Pulling off stunts out on the street such as wheelie, stoppie, scorpion and superman. Mencuri motosikal orang, which is really bad and the main reason they're hated. Dying in grotesque fashion. Voluntary actors for 3GP porn, a popular type of porn in Malaysia.

Review: Don't we love our local version of Bosozoku? What's Bosozoku? Up next.
Typical wheelie stunt by a Mat Rempit.

Origin: Japan. It refers to the Japanese subculture associated with motorcycle club and gangs. They actually look cool in manga and anime, especially in Great Teacher Onizuka. I don't know about the real bosozoku though. The members were usually under 20 years old.

Appearance: Often depicted as wearing jumpsuit, boots, and baggy pants. Their jackets are usually adorned  with military slogans, rising sun symbol, kanji, etc. Their most prominent feature is the pompadour and the punch perm hairstyle. You'll see how it looks later. 

Unusual Features: Pompadour hairstyle? They will level up as Yakuza member when they reach 20 years of age. Their popular event, massed rides - up to 100 bikers cruising slowly in the major highway, ignoring tollbooths and police. Is that cool or what?

Review: I would like to see ultimate battle between Bosozoku and Mat Rempit. Is it possible? 

An actual bosozoku gang. Click this image to go the actual source.

Meleis

Origin: Afaf Ibrahim Meleis is an Egyptian-American nursing scientist and educator. Hahahahha. Okay that link is fake. There are actual people with the name Meleis. Here's a basic subcategories of Meleis, according to Obefiend.

1. Mat Rempit.
2. Minah Melayu buang baby.
3. Melayu perogol anak.
4. Melayu kaki nombor.
5. Parents Melayu smoke depan anak yang masih baby.
6. Melayu bising dalam wayang macam tengok VCD dalam bilik.
7. Melayu pakai tudung tapi buat 3GP.
8. Melayu kaki ragut.

For thorough comprehension, please do read the whole post about Meleis, the Niggers of Malays, here.



This is Afaf Meleis, not Meleis. She's probably a nice person.


So now you know! We Malaysians are not alone!



Image source: Google Images, dammit.

Love Like Brontosaurus


This is absolutely funny to me!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Hantu Dalam Jamban Berjari Panjang Berkuku Tajam

Masa aku kecil, aku seorang budak yang tidak takut cerita-cerita hantu mahupun kemungkinan terjumpa hantu. Prinsip aku sebagai budak kecil ketika itu mudah, bagi aku selagi kita percaya adanya kewujudan sesuatu yang maha hebat dan tidak terkalah, which is obviously God,tiada yang patut ditakutkan. Hantu tidak akan dapat mempengapakan aku, begitu pendapat aku sebagai seorang anak kecil yang tulus dan berhati suci. Masa itulah. Sekarang hati aku barangkali sudah banyak dicemari tinta-tinta hitam biarpun aku masih tidak takut pada hantu.

Tapi, semasa aku masih kecil itu aku terfikir suatu perkara, lebih kepada teori. Satu-satunya tempat yang merisaukan aku jikalau hantu muncul secara kejutan hari jadi ialah jamban. Sebagai Muslim, kita semua tahu kita tidak patut mengucapkan salam ketika di dalam jamban, apatah lagi membaca ayat-ayat suci. Kalau tidak kita bisa menerima penampar manja dari orang-orang yang sensitif tentang agama.

Jadi, fikirku sebagai seorang budak kecil ketika itu, aku tertanya. Macamana kalau hantu keluar dari lubang jamban? Terutamanya tandas cangkung. Aku selalu terbayang sebatang tangan yang berjemari panjang dan berkuku tajam berbisa akan keluar dari mangkuk tandas dan... Bayangkanlah sendiri implikasinya kepada anda yang sedang enak meneran najis! Bolehkah masa itu aku melaung azan kuat-kuat dan menghalau hantu tersebut atau cuba membaca ayat Kursi? Begitulah persoalanku waktu itu. Well honestly it doesn't sound so good to recite part of the holy book while our ass is spewing with shit!

Kemudian, apabila aku meningkat dewasa, semuanya jadi tidak relevan. Kerana belum pernah lagi ada tangan hantu berjari panjang yang cuba mencakar, mengorek, menjolok ataupun cuba menculik aku ketika membuang air besar. Walaupun hantu lain mungkin wujud, seperti juga hantu-hantu yang digunakan kerajaan, hantu lubang jamban berjari panjang berkuku tajam itu tidak wujud. Aku pasti.

Pernahkah anda melihat hantu ini? Atau menjadi mangsanya?

Sila berikan komen jika anda pernah.

Ini Cradle of Filth. Walaupun filthy, bukan hantu jamban.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Where Did You Hide The Bodies?

Hahahahahahahhaha

Click the image to go to xkcd.

The Danjo Dancing Human (unidentified sex)

Dude or girl now? You decide.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Anyway you can watch the other video HERE

Demented Solitude

For about a week now, I've been experimenting with the state of solitude and loneliness. The subject of this experiment is none but myself. The core of this experiment is to lose my connection with the real world, well, almost. For about a week now, I didn't talk with anyone I know except on the internet and very minimal texting and almost no phone calls.

The hostel was empty from any trace of identifiable faces, only strangers. During this solitude sometimes I would ride to town. Avoiding those I know with best effort. I know I'm supposed to be home by now. But day after day, I kept on telling myself, "I'll be home tomorrow" and these words eventually meant nothing. I'm still here. Walking among strangers. Talking to unfamiliar faces. Without noticing it I was secretly fascinated with this idea. I'm anonymous because I'm in-between familiarity and alienation. A tourist is not anonymous because his or her differences gather too much attention. I'm familiar, yet I'm unknown, therefore I am anonymous.

Most strangers we see everyday are anonymous anyway.

What I'm doing now is not truly solitude, but a solitude in a world of anonymity. This experience somehow turned these familiar room, familiar place, familiar town into a strange world. Each passing day was almost dreamlike. Dreamlike, because each thought was spoken in mind. As I woke up alone from sleep, I'd walk to the toilet with no one to greet. Then I'd be back in my room. Staring at the walls. Planning a fun thing to do alone. Then I'd lay on the bed, alone. Staring at the ceiling, alone. Drinking tea while reading some blogs, alone.

In actuality most of the things above are preferably done alone yes? Unless you're married or gay.

Each night I'd ride to town for takeouts, usually fast-food most of the time, just like the pizza I mentioned. Then I'd ride to the flea market for chicken wings and a few boxes of cigarettes. In this solitude, there was no lunch, only dinner. Then I'd judge them foods while reading or watching something on the computer screen. It was pretty bland and dull. I'd add this dullness by keeping the silence in the air. No loud music blaring from the speaker and of course not a single voice heard from outside the room. Only voices of strangers and noises from clueless birds.

Through this almost a week of solitude, I think I'm able to grasp why people could turn to either geniuses or murderers by living alone for too long. Being alone gives you too much space for you to think and when you think sometimes your thoughts wander beyond borders. They could just be creativity and also, yes, insanity. I'm sure I'm capable of murder at the moment.

Today, I think it's time to get back to reality. I'm going home. Before I turn to a murderer.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

He or She?

Someone dancing the Danjo dance. But... Watch it first.


I bet it's a he. What say you?

The Lovely Bones Movie Adaptation

Last night, I painfully finished watching the movie adaptation of 'The Lovely Bones'.
Here's a one-liner to explain the whole experience;

It bloody fucking sucked.


If you think the movie is  bad, go read the book.

If you think the movie is good, go read the book.

The whole fucking great storyline changed.

The plot changed.

The portrayal of characters changed.

The part when Susie fell from heaven and made love with Ray with Ruth's body was gone.

The bloody time-frame changed.

The whole theme of the novel, fucking changed.

The total value of the story; obliterated to oblivion!


Don't watch it, if you did plan to.


p/s: The only good thing about it is I loved their choice of actress for Susie Salmon.

Friday, November 26, 2010

kisah pizza

duduk sorang-sorang
beli pizza hut regular size dua kotak
makan sorang-sorang
satu pepperoni topping
satu lagi yang cheese gila babi kaw-kaw tu
pizza kedua
tidak sedap langsung
menyesal

*ditaip guna tangan kiri sambil makan pizza kedua*

p/s: I'll never eat pizza again!

Stuff No One Told Me and Your Mother Likes it

I found these two great blogs based on personally drawn cartoons by Alex Noriega. I have to say, I immediately got stuck reading em. You might wanna check em out.

Stuff No One Told Me
Quotes with cartoon characters, based on lessons in life, things you learn yourself through mistakes or observation. Some of them are really meaningful.





Your Mother Likes It
Funny comic strips with brilliant jokes which might make no sense till you think deeply.


The Lovely Bones and I

Currently I'm reading this novel entitled "The Lovely Bones" authored by Alice Sebold, which I bought in June this year. Anyway, I am not an avid reader like how most people I just knew have always assumed. Therefore, if you see me reading a book eagerly, that book must have held something really significant to me.

The Lovely Bones

This novel is a story told from the perception of a 14 year old girl, Susie Salmon, who was raped, murdered, and mutilated to bloody chunks, after her death. In a limbo which is similar to heaven, she was able to observe her family, her friends, and the murderer who shredded her to pieces. The most interesting part in this novel is how she was able to witness how the reaction of her family, friends and the people following her murder. Being killed and dead is really troublesome, especially when you are not able to tell other people who was the bastard who killed you. Do you think the universe will shed her tears and let the truth unfold so your death could be judged or avenged? Bad news, it doesn't. This world is swarming with sick bastards. 

I assure you, it's worth reading.

The first time I read this novel was when I was 15 year old. I borrowed this book from a junior who was much into reading. The guy had a chronic problem with his spine due to a fall or something, so reading books became his world. That time, I've long abandoned reading as my habit but the title, 'The Lovely Bones', seemed to capture my attention. I was immediately interested to read.

As a teenager with raging hormones and issues, guiltily I admit that the part when Susie was raped took my attention, as a boy with limited knowledge about female's anatomy and my curiosity about the strange, attractive nature of sex. That was when pornography was still scarce and getting a porn was similar to holding a Holy Grail. At the same time, I feel disgusted thinking what sick creatures humans are. As intelligent as we often admit, we're just animals with developed ability to think. We are able to think in a far more sophisticated way than other animals. But when it comes to sex, we're back to nature. The nature of sex is animalistic no matter how you try to deny it. And I think for that reason for most normal people the idea of sex is both naughty and exciting, regardless of whether you're open about it or prefer to keep it as bedroom business.

But the curiosity stopped when she was murdered and cut to pieces. Instead I thought, is it possible for me to commit murder? How does it feel to cut people into chunks of meat after having sex with them? What is 'normal' for him and why is it not 'normal' for me? Can I change the borders of normality that I have now? Who created these borders of normal and abnormal anyway? These questions drove me crazy for sometime.

Just for the note, I didn't finish reading the novel because the guy was transferred to other school. So few years later, I found 'The Lovely Bones' again. The novel was adapted into a film with the same title.

And lucky was I, I found the same book which I was searching for a few years, now with a different cover which was based on the movie poster. Reading the novel, back from the beginning as an adult is a unique experience. As I read through the novel, I can feel the differences of the 23 year old and 15 year old versions of myself; how my perception changed, how my ideology changed and how I see things. Also how Susie, the dead girl in a heaven meant to me, now and then.

By the way, the girl who acted as Susie in the movie has really beautiful eyes and hair! I must be pedophile.

The New Cover based on the movie adaptation.

The Old Cover.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Guy Fawkes Mask FAIL

FAIL

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Cikgu Shida yang Suka Miming

First, watch this video.


Mula-mula, sekali serius aku cakap aku seram-sejuk tengok video si Shida ni menyanyi. Menyamar jadi lelaki dan menjadi lagi tu! Tidakkah itu membuatkan bulu roma anda meremang? Sepanjang aku tengok video tak habis-habis aku buat ekpressi muka yang berubah-ubah seperti

-.-
O.o
O.O
o.o
=.=
x.x

Tapi walaubagaimanapun, sikit pun aku tak benci dia ataupun kondem hobi masa lapang si Shida ni. Satu, hobi dia ni tidak pun menyusahkan hidup aku mahupun hidup orang lain. Dua, aku tabik sama dia pasal ada balls (?) untuk buat miming siap dengan costume dan makeup. Kalau aku pun kena fikir 10-20 kali dan lepas tu konfirm tak fikir lagi kot. Bagi aku, ini perbuatan yang boleh mendatangkan aib. Hahahaha

Seaib-aib si Shida macam ramai yang orang cakap, aib lagi aku rasa kissing depan KLCC atau berlakon secara tidak sengaja dalam 3GP. Aib lagi tayang-tayang duit orang lain buat bentuk kipas dalam Facebook. Aib lagi pos-pos dekat Wall sendiri mahupun Wall orang dengan tidak tau malu ajak orang ikut MLM dekat Facebook.

Sekurang-kurangnya si Shida ni bijak juga untuk jadi selebriti Youtube dalam masa yang singkat. Paling penting, dia kreatif dan ada inovasi. Walaupun video dia buat aku seram sejuk.

Lagi satu, orang selalu kaitkan apa yang dia buat tu dengan profession perguruan. Apakah the jimak masalah disitu? Malu lagi aku rasa cikgu yang abaikan mengajar dan anak-anak murid untuk ikut bisnes entah apa-apa, terutamanya MLM atau Forex. Kenapa Forex? Pasal buat Forex ni makan masa yang lama. Jangan harap la dapat tidur lena malam hari kalau kau betul-betul buat Forex.

Bagi aku, cikgu-cikgu bebas untuk kejar minat diorang asalkan pengajaran tidak terganggu. Professionalism. Kalau minat untuk mengajar sudah hilang, keluar dari bidang mengajar, senang. Jangan buang masa pelajar-pelajar di sekolah. Paling penting, mengajar itu memerlukan minat, bukan kerana terpaksa. Kalau seseorang guru itu memang minat mengajar, betapa cacamerba pun perangai beliau atau betapa gengster dan outlawnya pun beliau, apa yang diajar tetap akan membuahkan hasil yang baik.

Konklusinya, aku cool dengan Cikgu Shida.

Lin Dan = Dewa Badminton

This is the reason why Lee Chong Wei keeps on losing.

 

Just kidding. Obviously this video is fake. Pause at 0.30-0.35 and see how the shuttleCOCK defied physics.

p/s: I find the word 'shuttlecock' funny. It's like a cock traveling back and forth at different landing spots. Talk about STD. O.o

Don't Fuck with Hitler

Still you remember those kids who kissed in front of Pavilion? I was planning to write my comments about it but for now enjoy this video made by a man with 9000 sense of humour.


credit to TheRebelKid. Found it in her blog. This is too good to be ignored.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Facebook and Virtual Death

YOU RIKE JENNY WADE? I RIKE JENNY WADE.

Lately, for about a week I stopped my usual activities on Facebook, well almost. I log in, scroll down the News Feed and log out. I ignored the posts on my Wall, pretending I never logged in at all. I turned off my phone for about a week too. Except for blogging, but my posts were scarce too anyway for the last few days.

And with this I literally died, virtually. Nobody knew about my whereabouts and it was funny to discover that a friend of mine who stayed just next door was wondering where I was, when in fact I was just in my room and lived my usual routine. When you're gone online, isn't it similar to death?

At first people will be looking for you, drop comments and ask your whereabouts. Next you'll be forgotten and people will move on with their virtual life.

For some moment, I think I'm getting tired with this virtual life. How most people around me lived a large part of their lives on Facebook. Mobile phone itself is a phony way in maintaining integrity of social relationships, well, that's my opinion. We're relying too much on technology.

I'm getting my real life back. I am not planning to live as a hippie though.

How to Waste Your Time and Make Your Brain Work

So how do you do it? Since it's not good to sit comfortably on your couch all day, watch entertainment shows on TV, smoke some cigarettes and watch porn, I'm gonna share this with you.

Recently I've been playing this game called 'World of Goo'. For those who are well informed about games release, please shut your mouth. I know it's late but I've just found this gem and it's a waste if people miss the opportunity to play this.

'World of Goo' was mainly developed by two developers, Kyle Gabler and Ron Carmel, independently. In other words, this game is what we call as 'indie game', other than indie bands that most youngsters are crazy about these days.  I've heard some rumors that this game was made in a coffee shop since those peeps didn't own an office. How cool is that?

Imagine, right now you're given the power to use all the goos in the world to build structures and use that structure you build to achieve a purpose? What's awesome about this game is:

1. The physics. It's super-fucking-realistic. Say, if you're planning to build a bridge, how do you scaffold the structure? Which part do you need strengthen first so that the bridge won't bend and collapse? You can do it this game, WITH A TWIST, add that realistic physics plus GOO physics.

2. The goo. Well, they're kinda annoying but adorable.

3. The puzzles, 48 in total. It will make your brain work, totally. Thinking out of the box is the key.

4. The soundtrack. The soundtracks were composed by one of the developer himself and it suits the game well. Now we have indie music plus indie game!

5. The innovation. I've played a few games like Crayon Physics Deluxe and Ragdoll Canon which utilized in game physics very well but 'World of Goo' gave me this unique and worthwhile experience.

Here's some screenshots so you can see it better:

One of the earlier levels. Use those balloons to balance the bridge.
A simple bridge.
This one might need a few attempts before you can make it work.
Belum sampai lagi level ni. -.-

Anyway, talk is cheap, you have to try it yourself. I beg you, please give this game a try. You won't regret it. So here's a Mediafire download link for the portable version of 'World of Goo'.


By the way, downloading games from the internet for free is bad. It's similar to slavery, imagine if you toiled for a month working your ass in the office but by the end of the month; "Surprise! There's no fucking salary for you hahahaha!" How would that feel? So if you have the means to purchase online, please do buy the game. I'm gonna do that too... When I start working.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day Away Faraway

It's holiday and everyone is now away
leaving me alone since home is faraway
Monday, Tuesday... Friday
Just another day, weak and useless lifeless I lay
There's nothing worth to play
There's not enough prayer to pray
Everyday
Just the same shit, different day

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Logic of Judging

A cool judge.

I have no clue when this clich├ęd hype began. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase;

"It's my life, I don't need you to judge me."

or

"Who are you to judge? You have no clue how's it like to walk in my shoes."

It's ironic you see? When you utter such statement, that statement itself is actually judging other people for judging you. We judge people because we feel insecure that they are judging us for our actions. It's merely a backlash because we have our own insecurities that we don't want others to know and wipe it to our faces.

"Who are you to judge me that I'm judging you?"

Everybody judges everybody. That's the truth. It's a redundant cycle. Even after death we're still judged for our actions. Let's quit this judging bullshit. We're just imperfect creatures with our own insecurities. Let's keep on judging each other for God's sake. It's our nature as human beings.

If you're trying to claim that never once have you judged anyone, I can assure you

you must be retarded.

The Theory of Attraction Part I

I'm going to write boring shit about love and relationship.  You may skip this before it bores you.

It's my personal theory about attraction, what it means to us creatures from Mars compared to creatures from Venus. Anyway, I'm a believer of heterosexuality. I believe coitus is the only correct way for sexual intercourse. The theory is simple. I bet you won't like it if I ask you to use your thumb to clean your nostril. But if you still insist to do it, I bet it will not be as much enjoyable and fulfilling as when you use your other fingers. Now imagine if it's mandatory for us human beings to use our big toe to clean our nostril? Will it be enjoyable? That is my logic about sex and sexual orientation.

Now let me ask you, why do I have this mindset that a large number of females are attracted to jerks? I don't develop this mindset in a week you see. It's a mindset that I developed after 23 years of living, observing and reading. I've lost count of cases and stories on how some girls fall head over heels in love with jerks, which frequently end up with the same old story, being dumped with the precious gifts of living spermatozoa.

How do we label jerks? It's difficult for me to accurately define it since I'm male, so naturally I'm kind of a jerk too as I might have adopted the traits without noticing it. Here's a list of the possible characteristics of a typical jerk:

1. I'M ALWAYS RIGHT, ALWAYS RIGHT LOLZZ
2. I'M SO HOT, SO FUCKING HOT ROFL LOLZ
3. I AM THE PIMP LOLZZ SEE THIS USELESS 9000 BUCKS SHIRTS, SHOES LOLLZZ
4. THE WORLD IS ALL ABOUT MEEEE I'M THE HERO LOLLZ
5. I KNOW EVERYTHING LOLLZZZ YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK MEEE IMMA TELL YA

Err, I think those sound more like the characteristics of a douchebag. Let's try that again. How to become a jerk:

1. Treat our girlfriend like crap.
2. Assume relationship as a ticket for free sex.
3. Assume that the world and gossips revolve around us.
4. Brag. A lot.
5. Use violence as much as possible.
6. Remind ourselves constantly how great it is to sleep and fuck around.
7. Ditch a relationship for a hotter girl.
8. Bullshit. And more bullshit. The more the merrier the better.
9. And many more.

Is it true? Is that how jerks are labeled? Honestly I'm not quite sure myself. But one thing I'm sure is the fact that I've lost count of how many times I've witnessed and heard females submitting their body and soul to this glorious species of guys. It happens over and over, same shit different stories. Bitching to no tomorrow about their useless boyfriends on Facebook yet they insist to stay in the unhealthy relationship. Few hours or at most a day after, they will be expressing how happy and wonderful and how they miss their boyfriends and how functional and awesome the relationship is. What the hell is this actually?

Thus, I developed this theory. Pardon the generalization. Girls don't like nice guys. Girls love jerks.

I know, it's not true. I know some friends who made the right choice. I can't say that all these love stories were unfold beautifully like those fairy tales. Some went through hardship. Some went through shit you can't even imagine. But at least they get to embrace their momentary happiness.

Why do some girls love jerks? It's not stupidity. In my opinion the reason is because the ideology is already hard-coded by nature.

*to be continued in Part II*

Thursday, November 18, 2010

MS Paint Possibilities


PURE SKILL!

Found here

THIS IS MADNESS!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wasted Eid

Selamat hari raya Aidil Adha kepada yang beragama Islam.

While some people are probably having gala time eating nutritious food and munching daging kurban, I'm stuck here struggling to catch up with deadline. I woke up at 1 pm today with hungry belly. What a wasted eid. Served me well for staying awake for 2 days. I went into comatose at 3 am last night.

Sempena hari raya haji, inilah post untuk hari ini.



Ini selipar Jepun.



Ini selipar Quiksilver.
Dua-dua boleh melindungi tapak kaki anda dari terpijak tahi anjing.
Dua-dua boleh melindungi mulut anda dari mencarut akibat terpijak paku tekan.
Dua-dua boleh melindungi kaki anda dari terpijak kahak.
Dua-dua boleh guna untuk pergi jamban.
Dua-dua boleh buat kaki anda tampak lebih seksi.
Dua-dua boleh dicuri di masjid masa sembahyang raya.

Itu saja. Sekian terima kasih.
Selamat hari raya.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Val's Paint Comic #4: Gelang AC Mizal

Fuck yeah.

Val's Paint Comic #3: Harga Rokok

If they really care about our health and not the profit, they should stop selling cigarettes at all. Honestly I won't stop buying cigarettes as long they're still available. Most smokers will smoke to their graves regardless of all the dumbshit cancer gore campaign on cigarette's boxes.

Disclaimer: I've lost track of cigarettes' prices now and then so the prices are just estimation.

Paint Comic by Syafiq


Common scenarios at shopping malls. LOL! Click for healthier eyes.

Created by my buddy, Syafiq. GO STALK HIS BLOG NOW!

Val's Paint Comic #2: Why I Sold My Vivaz Pro


Summary of my excitement after I bought the phone:
At first I was like YYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!, then I was like ERRR OK, then i was like ZZZZZ

Why Symbian, why?

credit to Safwan for the summary of excitement.

Val's Paint Comic #1

What's daily life about since this mini-thesis thingy.

Muffins

Do you like muffins? I like muffins. Especially chocolate muffins. I swear I'd love to take a muffin to a jolly walk in a park if I could. Now this might sound like a very lame entry.

                         This is a muffin.                                                         This looks like a muffin. 

But now think, how many years have you lived without knowing what will happen if

muffins could talk?

and

muffins grow on trees?

Have you thought about it?

NO SERIOUSLY, have you?

Now click this link below so you will know.

I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT MUFFINS

You won't regret it.