Sunday, November 22, 2009

Love Me Halfway

At one point in your life, you may have faced some sort of change, that kind which is deep and it unfolds a whole part in that core of yourself. It affects things that you wanted, the way you behave, the way you deal with commitments, the choices you make in life and other things that I'm so lazy to list down here. It is fine to have this kind of change, you know, in fact it is normal for everyone. The shittiest thing that could happen to you is when you become a victim of these changes. Specifically, when someone you've grown attached with had a massive change and he or she did it halfway.

Just like Fergie had her song Meet Me Halfway, the best phrase to describe this is "Love Me Halfway".

Probably it is an inevitable cycle. Personally, I think it happens to many people that it's not even worth mentioning. It's just that I regret myself for being too naive and my persistence to go with the flow. When feelings are embedded within these hearts of ours, it is so fucking hard to just pluck and throw it away. Perhaps, the past could be blamed, but is it strong enough reason to justify everything? What a terrible lie. If you ask yourself willingly, you'd know it well how things were actually. Put away that motherfucking ego and you knew it. Don't you even realize how transparent you were when you spoke to me?

WHY? Why all the talks when in the end there's nothing I could reach at all?

God, I fucking hate it to be given such humanity.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Jennifer's Body

I've just watched this movie a few minutes ago. It's 5:51 a.m. and I'm not sleepy at all. Jennifer's Body, that's the title of this movie. I think it should rather be called Megan Fox's Body. Holyshit, she is so fucking hot in this movie. Her eyes, her lips and especially that pair of tits. Okay, now what the hell am I writing these sexual fascination here? Because I need to kill the time while I wait this movie, "The Informers" to finish downloading. Read that it was very good. Let's hope it really is! Is it done yet? Is it done yet?

This is really a worthless post.

Random fact: I spend 53% my time looking at Megan's assets during this movie.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Redefine: Chapter 1

Regarding with my post last night, yes it was very melancholic. It really suited the mood that I had for almost three days which was largely influenced because of my reading. Guess what? After reading the novel "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini.


After reading these two novels I realised how much I missed reading books which used to be my hobby. When I was in primary school, I was really an avid reader. I can still remember those days, I would read at least two books per day. Those were the days. As I entered secondary school, especially in SMESH, I read less frequently.

Last night, I didn't know how it happened. It seemed like a rush of emotion, a swarm of memories which devoured and captured me slowly. It was so intense that I'd almost thought what I felt was a feeling like this;

"I wasn't over it after all, am I?".

Is this true? I am not sure myself. "Redefine". That's the title of this post. What I really wanted to do is to redefine the feelings I've actually had with her after all. What was that I felt last night? When I think it over, it's more like those remnants of memories coming over. Memories I had with her. Things that we can't easily erase from our minds. Why the fuck? Why are we humans so susceptible to memories? If it were not because of this thing called memories, we would not be so weak. We would be pretty sure if we're still sucking for love or not.

When I think it over, I am almost sure of myself, no matter what the circumstance, I would never be able to be in love with her the same way again. There were so many changes I couldn't even count within me and within her. I know, no matter how many times I ask her, she would not ever admit it. What I really wanted to say was, "Please, grow up and tell me straight to my face that your reason is not only the past but essentially your feelings and your own changes."

No matter how you try to deny it, it's all very obvious to me. This is the life that you really wanted. These were the changes that you longed for. But not with me. I am just a remnant of the past, a result of a naive decision and childish feelings. You've grown afar, you've changed much and you've forgotten about that. I was not angry that you changed. I was not angry that you decided to leave me. I was angry because you were not sure yourself about your reasons.

Now let me redefine to myself what I really felt about the relationship I had when I thought about it over and over again and see it realistically.

The past two years with her. I realised that I was turning into someone else. Someone I don't even know. I tried to love her and I did. Perhaps in the process of doing it, I'd created a kind of different personality within me. Someone I didn't even know before but it exists within me. A part of me that I didn't like. I didn't want to, but when I was with her it seemed like I was someone else. When we separated this year, I realised that I could not be much relieved that I could be myself again.

How I missed the old me.

I'm glad I can finally learn to love myself again. After one year of confusion and self-blame. Sincerely, thanks for opening my eyes, though with less desirable ways.

Thanks for reading. It's really a long post.

Monday, November 9, 2009


I went to section 18 just now to buy ball pens for tomorrow's paper. I don't know what were my reasons but all of the stuffs I bought aside from those ball pens were not food, though it is pretty obvious I am feeling hungry now. 2 boxes of Chrysanthemum tea, 1 mineral water, 1 drinking water and a container of Butterscotch flavored ice cream. I love Butterscotch and Vanilla like no other things in the world (yes, that is indeed an exaggeration).

Maybe, just maybe, maybe I felt too thirsty. Despite of not going anywhere all day. But if you honestly ask me, what I really felt was that I felt empty. Especially these few days. Of course I would not admit it, mind you.

I was about done shopping in Giant, alone, it is something I do from time to time. Enjoying the scenery of night or day all by myself on my (requested* Kas' scooter actually) scooter and drift into an empty world of mine as I twist the throttle through corners.

I have this weird complex every time I go to section 18. I knew she stays there. There is this kind of feeling that whenever I am around 18, I kind of wanted to see a glimpse of her. Maybe just from the back. Just from the side. With that I hope she would not see me. That's a little, faint wish that I noticed I had in my heart. It's not like I am going to talk her. I just want to see a glimpse of her, that's all.

I was on my way back, passing through Rafi Bistro restaurant and was about to pass by Akasia hostel, still with the thought in my head. Suddenly, as though God were answering my prayer, I saw a figure that looked so familiar that I couldn't even lie to myself about it. Maybe it was because of the clothes that she wore. Maybe it was because of her hair. Maybe it was because of the way she moved her feet. Maybe it was because Farah and Elin was easily recognisable.

I knew it was her. In fact in that very short of a moment, I could feel a faint fondness, that I was glad, just to see her there, alive and well. I didn't even have the intention to say hi, let alone I care whether she saw me as I passed and twisted the throttle.

I am a terrible liar, I am. I tell myself, "There's no looking back, because you just can't". So much had happened and I realised all these moments past, I was not over it, I was numb. I still am.

Balada Pencari Pelangi

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kucari dia yang kupanggil pelangi
tapi tidak ketemu lagi

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untuk sesuatu yang tidak punya permulaan?
kau pendusta
bagi aku yang buta.

Friday, November 6, 2009


I am turning into a monster. Perhaps something that I used to hate. Ha ha ha. Feels good though. Like I care.