I'm well informed of my currently notorious name in the department, about my lack of appearance for consultation regarding my Academic Exercise, for our so called final year project, a so called 'thesis'. I know, it's beyond ignorance and this pieces of papers determine my future. But wait, wait,
What is a thesis really? What is a research?
At the moment and for quite a while I had been in doubt if I had chosen the right path for this life. Quite off topic but it will come to senses later. What makes a good research? Is it a masterpiece just to write a redundant bullshit on pieces of papers? And if I write a good research paper will it be beneficial in the future? Beneficial in the sense that it will change anything towards education in this country. Beneficial in the sense that it will halt the idiotic bastards who decide what should and shouldn't be learned in schools. Beneficial in the sense that it will make a change even in a minor scale.
Or in the end will it be left out as a book which then will be referred back, repeating the redundancy?
We can write things beautifully on papers. We can toil ourselves and get diploma, degree, doctor on papers. On papers. On fucking papers because that's how the world judges us today. One of the flaw in this system is the fact that it can be bought. When you have money many things can be bought. How many of you reading this article have experienced seeing a so called knowledgeable person acting like a dick? And when he or she speaks their intelligence and logics seem to baffle you? Right, bitches. What's written on papers does not prove anything. What matters is YOU. Even if you're fucking genius ass, yes, genius ass, if you can't live with people you're none but rubbish. If you can't deal with people you'll end up being used by another genius who knows how to deal with people, how to exploit people, how to manipulate power, how to take control.
What I'm really trying to say is that I'm tired of all of these. I'm tired of picturing myself in the future living up to people's expectations. I'm tired of seeing the visions of myself putting up with ass-kissers, ass-wipes and idiots. I'm tired of imagining a life unfulfilled and relentless angers and resentments of the future Valossa. Negative and pessimistic, I know. What do you expect? After all we must prepare for the worst. Life is not a fucking playground, life is not a walk in the park, life is not a bed of roses, life will not last forever, life is not perfect and will never be, life is an imperfect theater and we're not the main characters. People will die, people you loved will die, happiness will not last forever. Your wealth will not follow you to your graves. Your shirts, your shoes, your cars, your bitches will not accompany you to your graves.
You are a fucking loser, who toiled through your life just to rot underground when the moment comes. Your existence itself is a redundancy. You're a part of a system that develops to intricacies of self-made purposes and happinesses just to fade into oblivion.
Now tell me. Where to? Where the fuck are we going? Where? Where? Where? What the fuck are we doing here taking our time, waiting for our last breaths? What are we trying to achieve? Why the fuck do we need money and why the fuck is it never enough? What the fuck is this shit?
In the end we're just a powerless bunch of ungrateful beings. We're merely slaves. We've lost our purpose. Or at least I've lost mine.
I'm an angry man. I'm angry at the world for being unfair. I'm angry at most things being dumbshit. I'm angry at this old laptop and my lack of financial ability to purchase a new one. I'm angry at my unbelievably messy roommate and this room was just an inch less than a shithole. And mostly I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for not being able to achieve anything significant at the age of 23. I'm angry at myself for not willing to take the risk. I'm angry at myself for being such a dick in a relationship and now forever alone. I'm angry at myself for being philophobic and refusing to take the first step. I'm angry at myself for purchasing a horrible Symbian phone and fell into the trap of consumerism. I'm so fucking angry.
I'm angry at different contrasts. I'm angry because it's hypocrisy.
I'm not only angry. I'm angry and confused. RRRAAAAHHHHH!
St. Anger round my neck.