Regarding with my post last night, yes it was very melancholic. It really suited the mood that I had for almost three days which was largely influenced because of my reading. Guess what? After reading the novel "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini.
After reading these two novels I realised how much I missed reading books which used to be my hobby. When I was in primary school, I was really an avid reader. I can still remember those days, I would read at least two books per day. Those were the days. As I entered secondary school, especially in SMESH, I read less frequently.
Last night, I didn't know how it happened. It seemed like a rush of emotion, a swarm of memories which devoured and captured me slowly. It was so intense that I'd almost thought what I felt was a feeling like this;
"I wasn't over it after all, am I?".
Is this true? I am not sure myself. "Redefine". That's the title of this post. What I really wanted to do is to redefine the feelings I've actually had with her after all. What was that I felt last night? When I think it over, it's more like those remnants of memories coming over. Memories I had with her. Things that we can't easily erase from our minds. Why the fuck? Why are we humans so susceptible to memories? If it were not because of this thing called memories, we would not be so weak. We would be pretty sure if we're still sucking for love or not.
When I think it over, I am almost sure of myself, no matter what the circumstance, I would never be able to be in love with her the same way again. There were so many changes I couldn't even count within me and within her. I know, no matter how many times I ask her, she would not ever admit it. What I really wanted to say was, "Please, grow up and tell me straight to my face that your reason is not only the past but essentially your feelings and your own changes."
No matter how you try to deny it, it's all very obvious to me. This is the life that you really wanted. These were the changes that you longed for. But not with me. I am just a remnant of the past, a result of a naive decision and childish feelings. You've grown afar, you've changed much and you've forgotten about that. I was not angry that you changed. I was not angry that you decided to leave me. I was angry because you were not sure yourself about your reasons.
Now let me redefine to myself what I really felt about the relationship I had when I thought about it over and over again and see it realistically.
The past two years with her. I realised that I was turning into someone else. Someone I don't even know. I tried to love her and I did. Perhaps in the process of doing it, I'd created a kind of different personality within me. Someone I didn't even know before but it exists within me. A part of me that I didn't like. I didn't want to, but when I was with her it seemed like I was someone else. When we separated this year, I realised that I could not be much relieved that I could be myself again.
How I missed the old me.
I'm glad I can finally learn to love myself again. After one year of confusion and self-blame. Sincerely, thanks for opening my eyes, though with less desirable ways.
Thanks for reading. It's really a long post.