Where To?

I'm well informed of my currently notorious name in the department, about my lack of appearance for consultation regarding my Academic Exercise, for our so called final year project,  a so called 'thesis'. I know, it's beyond ignorance and this pieces of papers determine my future. But wait, wait,

What is a thesis really? What is a research?

At the moment and for quite a while I had been in doubt if I had chosen the right path for this life. Quite off topic but it will come to senses later. What makes a good research? Is it a masterpiece just to write a redundant bullshit on pieces of papers? And if I write a good research paper will it be beneficial in the future? Beneficial in the sense that it will change anything towards education in this country. Beneficial in the sense that it will halt the idiotic bastards who decide what should and shouldn't be learned in schools. Beneficial in the sense that it will make a change even in a minor scale.

Or in the end will it be left out as a book which then will be referred back, repeating the redundancy?

We can write things beautifully on papers. We can toil ourselves and get diploma, degree, doctor on papers. On papers. On fucking papers because that's how the world judges us today. One of the flaw in this system is the fact that it can be bought. When you have money many things can be bought. How many of you reading this article have experienced seeing a so called knowledgeable person acting like a dick? And when he or she speaks their intelligence and logics seem to baffle you? Right, bitches. What's written on papers does not prove anything. What matters is YOU. Even if you're fucking genius ass, yes, genius ass, if you can't live with people you're none but rubbish. If you can't deal with people you'll end up being used by another genius who knows how to deal with people, how to exploit people, how to manipulate power, how to take control.

What I'm really trying to say is that I'm tired of all of these. I'm tired of picturing myself in the future living up to people's expectations. I'm tired of seeing the visions of myself putting up with ass-kissers, ass-wipes and idiots. I'm tired of imagining a life unfulfilled and relentless angers and resentments of the future Valossa. Negative and pessimistic, I know. What do you expect? After all we must prepare for the worst. Life is not a fucking playground, life is not a walk in the park, life is not a bed of roses, life will not last forever, life is not perfect and will never be, life is an imperfect theater and we're not the main characters. People will die, people you loved will die, happiness will not last forever. Your wealth will not follow you to your graves. Your shirts, your shoes, your cars, your bitches will not accompany you to your graves.

You are a fucking loser, who toiled through your life just to rot underground when the moment comes. Your existence itself is a redundancy. You're a part of a system that develops to intricacies of self-made purposes and happinesses just to fade into oblivion.

Now tell me. Where to? Where the fuck are we going? Where? Where? Where? What the fuck are we doing here taking our time, waiting for our last breaths? What are we trying to achieve? Why the fuck do we need money and why the fuck is it never enough? What the fuck is this shit?

In the end we're just a powerless bunch of ungrateful beings. We're merely slaves. We've lost our purpose. Or at least I've lost mine.

I'm an angry man. I'm angry at the world for being unfair. I'm angry at most things being dumbshit. I'm angry at this old laptop and my lack of financial ability to purchase a new one. I'm angry at my unbelievably messy roommate and this room was just an inch less than a shithole. And mostly I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for not being able to achieve anything significant at the age of 23. I'm angry at myself for not willing to take the risk. I'm angry at myself for being such a dick in a relationship and now forever alone. I'm angry at myself for being philophobic and refusing to take the first step. I'm angry at myself for purchasing a horrible Symbian phone and fell into the trap of consumerism. I'm so fucking angry.

I'm angry at different contrasts. I'm angry because it's hypocrisy.

I'm not only angry. I'm angry and confused. RRRAAAAHHHHH!

St. Anger round my neck.

Young and Foolish

 *Cleaning up the virtual cobweb*

I wish I could tell you how terribly hectic my life was these few weeks and even at the moment this post is written. Intricate and procrastinated piles of work are still in progress and all these seem to be endless! Lack of sleep, check. Malnutrition, check. Frustration, check. Caffeine high, check.

Do you know what is caffeine high? It happens when you take excessive amount of caffeine in short period and you get irregular heartbeat, in exchange with energetic boost and sleepless nights. That’s just my theory though.

Heck, due to this, now I can proudly say I make the greatest latte and espresso which will put you away of drowsiness better than meth!

Practicum is almost over and actually tomorrow will be my last day teaching English. Today I taught Civics for the last time (hellyeah) and for the first time I brought my giant speaker and subwoofer, which I’d long refused to use for Civics because it’s absolutely unnecessary for me to use audio teaching aid. That last lesson was pretty unethical though but who cares, it’s the last one so I might as well do something different. Anyway, now I can honestly say, I dislike teaching Civics because actually it’s not Civics, it should be called ‘Propaganda and Indoctrination’. It’s over nonetheless and I had fun with them.

So what else do we have now it’s about to end? God, I’m getting a hysteria just to list them down. Just forget it.

Who the heck suggested this scheme of work anyway? It’s sucking away our souls day after day. Don’t even mention time management. Some of us are already failing at that and now they expect us to do better time management while doing many ongoing tasks at once? As a result, if we don’t come up with shitty work, we’ll come with obviously mediocre and redundant outcomes. We’ve just hit the punchline, dear procrastinators-who-expect-quality-outcomes!

Anyway, I’m beyond happy at the moment because finally, I get to be a student again. Just a 23 year old dude, free from a title emblazoned on my forehead, free from social responsibilities and stereotypes, and for the most free from daily lesson plans! I know it’s a universal agreement in the field of education that lesson plan is mandatory but seriously, it causes stress more than anything in the world and there’s nothing else in my life that stresses me just like this.

And essentially, less than a year to be young and foolish.

Why young and foolish? Because when you get older you’ll be old, stubborn, and foolish. You’ll still be foolish at some points no matter how smart you think you are. Imperfection, silly things that you’ll continuously and randomly do.

The moment you think you’re so perfect, that’s where you stop.

Ahh, what else is better than this? Let me out of this “teacher” title while I still can. Not that I’m shunning responsibility nor I loathe it, but let me, let me be myself, just for this short while. Aside from possibilities for other careers, most of us will be stuck with this title more than 5 years! 5 years. 5 years is too much of a period for anything to happen. Life. Death. Marriage. Love. Kids. Money. Despair.

And this reminds me of the constant question and its other variants;

“Are you single?”


“Why are single?”


“Who’s your girlfriend?”


and drum rolls… “You must be gay.” Heck, that’s not even a question damnit.

My answer to all these questions is,

Love can wait. Don’t rush to break your heart in rapid succession before you find the right pair.

But still, who says it’s always fun and shit to be single for quite a while? Most of the time it’s fun and you feel indifferent when people talk about such matter. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, it feels like,

FOREVER ALONE. HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously dude, seriously. But it works like the high and low of tide. So you can cope. And trust me it could be a better way of living for all of you, instead of contributing too much in your Facebook-public-diary-of-my-love-life.

p/s: There are 2 things in this world that are limitless: The Universe and human stupidity, though I’m not yet sure about the Universe - Albert Einstein

Kau Sikit Pun Tidak Cool

Ini satu benda yang agak kontra bagi aku sebagai seorang pendidik Bahasa Inggeris. Lebih ironi lagi entri ini dalam Bahasa Melayu. Ini benda yang telah agak lama aku perhatikan dan sumpah-sumpah (bukan biawak itu) untuk beberapa kurun.

Kau tidak cool walaupun kau pandai cakap English.


Kesimpulan yang aku buat setelah melihat segelintir manusia yang begitu takbur, bangga, dan riak hanya kerana mereka mampu bercakap dalam bahasa kolonial yang dibanggakan sebagai bahasa antarabangsa ini. Apa yang kau bangga bai? Kau lahir dengan bahasa itukah? Kau lebih muliakah kerana begitu fasihnya kau bertutur dalam bahasa itu? Oh tidak, aku tidak sedikit pun hasad dengan kau kerana aku juga boleh bertutur dalam bahasa itu.

Kalau kau bodoh macam lembu, kau tetap bodoh macam lembu walau kau bercakap dalam English.


Untuk pengetahuan kau, pengetahuan dalam bahasa ini bukanlah sesuatu yang patut kau banggakan. Pasal apa? Pasal bahasa ini terlalu biasa, bahasa Inggeris ialah salah satu bahasa yang paling mudah dipelajari. Malah kebolehan menguasai bahasa hanyalah kebolehan sampingan. Jadi bagus sangatlah tu kalau kau riak dengan hanya setitik ilmu di tengah lautan. Bagi aku hidup ini lebih dari setakat itu dan tidak pernah aku bangga hanya kerana aku boleh bercakap dan menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris.

Apa kau bangga dengan bahasa manusia-manusia yang pijak kepala datuk nenek kau?


Atau kau bangga dengan bahasa bangsa yang memulakan pemerintahan kapitalisme di negara ini?

All Your Knowledge Are Belong To Us

As an educator, this post signifies something significant. It's a concrete evidence that I'm here in this tongkang pecah writing this entry instead of coming to school.

To my students who are reading this blog, I'm sorry I couldn't come, I'm far too busy with work I don't want to bother explaining, it's currently my major headache. I have to finish it or else I'll be living as a freelancer in the the next two years. Really, the idea of working for myself sounds intriguing. To my camarada reading this, of course, I'm referring to the thesis which I'm sure you don't want me to mention. Progress? Are you kidding me?

Instead of explaining about the thesis, now let me write some bullshit what's keeping me from being interested in doing it and also why I loath teaching Civics to my Form Two students.

First, the thesis.

The most prominent part about thesis and in fact the core of any written research is the citation. Every idea that you claim must be supported by adequate evidences, which means your idea is only considered valid and acceptable if it was supported by a well-established researcher, individual or some crazy bastards you don't even know. For each claim or opinion-oriented idea, it must be scaffolded by somebody before you, for the sake of continuity and credibility. I'm not totally against the idea of citation, seriously. But here's some thoughts that I had and discussed with some folks,

It is an act of preserving knowledge ownership.

"These knowledge and thoughts belong to us and we must be credited when you use resemblance of these ideas." (Just bullshit I write, 2010)

In other words, despite of the modern views on freedom of speech, the written knowledge is in fact is still under control and shaped by people in higher hierarchy. When it becomes a necessity to support our idea and in fact the topic itself was influenced by readily-available ideas, doesn't that mean our process of thinking is already influenced by external factors instead of originality? Sure, every invention is based on well-established ideas and bigger structure needs to be scaffolded with smaller parts, the same way as a brilliant and new ideas and inventions need to be supported by previous ideas.

However, when it comes to the thesis I'm talking about, honestly, all I can say is bollocks to originality. What we are actually doing is the parroting of information. Patchwork. Redundancy that brings nothing to change the education system in this country.

Who says everything that I said was yours just because you were the first to say it?

Just because you said you needed to shit first does not mean that the need to shit is your possession. In fact, each thought that you had in your mind most of the time will occur to me or anyone and I didn't hear the shit from you. I know this is a really shitty way of explaining this, but who gives shit anyway?

This entry is not supported by any citation. So don't give shit.

About my lack of interest in teaching Civics to my Form Two class. Based on the entries in this blog, I bet it is not difficult to see that my views are obviously not pro-government. I'm neither anti-government nor I support PKR and other opposition parties. But at least I'm not some dipshit who doesn't notice certain idiots who were trying to run a country with idiotic and racist agenda. Therefore, the reason that I loath teaching the subject is because... How could I indoctrinate them with knowledge that I personally doubt and despise? This is what we call politicizing the education. They are taught to love, to respect, to support, to thank the government, instead of the country! The same government who took the money for some projects I can't even witness or experience, for some comfortable castles I can't even step in, for some expensive cars that they don't need. So that's my reason. Thank you very much.

p/s: “Falling in love is like learning to ride a bike. When you fall and break your bloody knee cap, you get up with your last ounce of strength just to kick the fucking tires and hurl the damn bike down the bloody hill.” 

Tidak Berikan Tahi

Kali ini aku akan menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu yang bukan bahasa ibundaku kerana aku bukan Melayu. Mungkin wajar Bahasa Melayu ditukar namanya jadi Bahasa Bumiputra? Setuju? Aku tidak berikan tahi pun.

Sila abaikan pos sebelum ini, siapa kisah entri-entri ini peribadi atau tidak? Kita manusia ini suka berhalusinasi. Bukan dengan ganja atau hashis tapi dengan kebodohan sendiri. Tiada siapa peduli apa sepatu yang kau pilih, warna tali lehermu, bajumu bergosok atau tidak, kecuali manusia yang bodoh dan suka menilai hal-hal yang remeh. Tapi tunggu, jika begitu maksudnya manusia itu kebanyakannya bodoh. Antara dua barang yang berfungsi serupa, sekata malah sebiji sama, mengapa dipilih yang mahal harganya? Sedangkan pendapatan tidak seberapa. Kau sama macam aku, manusia makan gaji, hamba zaman moden. Salaryman kata orang Jepang. Semuanya kerana... Bodoh barangkali? Tidak payahlah aku sentuh konsumerisme atau yang sewaktu dengannya. Sememangnya, kita lebih suka sesuatu yang dipandang berbanding nilai dan isinya.

Apa yang aku cakap tadi? Halusinasi? Berbalik pada halusinasi, biar aku bagitahu perbuatan yang kerapkali aku perhatikan di Bukumuka. Manusia yang mengadu-ngadu putus cinta di dunia sebenar dan mengeluh, berkeluh-kesah di dunia virtual. Dengan harapan ada yang kisah, ada yang prihatin, ada yang penyayang. Prihatin sangatlah dengan hanya membalas komen dengan "Bawalah bersabar..." "Dia tu memang macam babi." "Itulah aku sudah cakap..." Ya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian, itu sangat membantu. Sememangnya menaip diatas keyboard itu serupa dengan bercakap bersemuka. Atau tidak. Perbuatan diatas sangatlah membuang masa dan mampu memberikan impak yang jahanam untuk orang lain. Bila anda bermasalah, kongsilah dengan rakan-rakan, keluarga atau kaunselor, bercakaplah, gerakkan mulut seperti manusia, jika tidakpun, angkatlah pena dan tulis, untuk tatapan dirimu sahaja. Kerana dirimu begitu berharga. Untuk pengetahuan anda yang sedia tahu, di dunia ini berjuta-juta orang putus cinta. Bertambah seorang lagi yang putus cinta tidak akan mengubah apa-apa, ikan paus tetap akan mati, kucing tetap menimbus tahinya, dan dunia ini tetap akan berakhir. Tiada yang berubah, kecuali hidup kau sendiri. Baik atau buruk perubahan itu, itu hal kau sendiri. Tiada yang boleh mengubah pemikiran dan ilusi dalam kepala otak kau kecuali diri kau sendiri. Terima kasih.

Jadi kesimpulannya, Bukumuka ini sudah menjadi tempat orang berkongsi diari awam yang boleh dibaca oleh semua lapisan masyarakat. Kalau difikirkan, jika benar orang-orang Yahudi atau Amerika mahu menyerang negara-negara lain, ia sudah jadi terlalu mudah. Untuk menyelongkar dan menyiasat psikologi, pemikiran, atau perancangan, mereka punya Bukumuka yang terkandung semua fikiran-fikiran orang ramai. Untuk rancangan hendap dan serangan udara atau kemasukan tentera, mereka punya Google Earth dan Garmin, tidakkah senang? Tidak perlu memeriksa peta, malah ada arahan bersuara dari komputer. Semua lokasi boleh jumpa punyalah. Bentuk geografi pun amatlah jelas, tiada kesusahan langsung untuk menghantar unmanned misil.

Mungkin tidak perlulah aku tulis panjang-panjang disini. Itupun kalau kau baca post ni. Bye.